Sober & Spiritual: It’s Not What You Think

Through AA’s insistence on finding a higher power, I discovered the truth of who I am as my compass pointed inward—toward universal truth. That truth revealed the construct of perpetual shame within 12-step programs: the conundrum of believing in something bigger than myself to heal, yet declaring daily with my thoughts and words that I am still afflicted.

How can I heal if I am constantly declaring that I am afflicted? I would give it to God every night, only to take it back with my words and declarations each day.

As this truth grew, I began to see the cookie-cutter, corporate approach to healing clients within a system that perpetuates relapse and disease. Insurance doesn’t let you stay long enough to make it count. I know—I went back multiple times. It is, after all, a multi-billion-dollar industry.

As my questions increased, my pushback became stronger, and the truth became apparent: see the systems for what they are. Use them for their benefit, but don’t let them drain you. I will not steer anyone away from rehab or 12-step programs, because there is no such thing as one-size-fits-all healing. But there is another way.

There are no labels. There is no addiction or recovery. There is no exile.

When we begin to discover who we are and melt away the limiting beliefs that have stood in our way, it becomes possible to be in our bodies and feel unapologetically like ourselves. Now, we can look at our habits and behaviors and decide—with empowerment and discernment—what is working and what is still in the way.

It is now possible to align our actions with who we have discovered ourselves to be, and that brings an internal connection that is indestructible. When we are connected to our indestructible core, we become a force of love and divinity. We become creative. We begin to expand and increase our tolerance. We embody the director over the actor; we are intentional and no longer reactive. We can decide when to cease [insert self-destructive behavior here].

I discovered alcohol was keeping me small, insignificant, and perpetuating fear. It was like pouring gasoline on a fire—it never allowed me to grow. For years, I danced: on again, off again. Until finally, I harnessed my power of choice and decided to evolve without it.

This is the eagle medicine I walk with—the gift of sharp vision.

There does not need to be a rock bottom.

There does not need to be an identification with addiction.

There does not even need to be a ‘problem.’

If the world reacts negatively to my choice to grow, it is solely its problem with its own reflection. If you have been sober curious and want to live sabotage-free, I invite you along on the journey of shifting into alignment with the truth of who you are as we discover it together.

I spent the first 35 years of my life checked out. After being sexually assaulted in the military, I began to exhibit problematic behaviors, particularly through alcohol use. I fell apart, unknowingly beginning a decade-long journey into healing and self-discovery.

I attempted suicide three times and made several more plans to leave the planet. I became a “frequent flyer” at local ERs, detox centers, state-run facilities, and jails—places I knew I didn’t belong but couldn’t find a way out of. My body couldn’t hold any more after a lifetime of dysfunction and trauma. I didn’t want to die; I wanted to learn how to live and feel fully alive.

I wanted to feel safe in my own skin. I longed for trustworthy connections, envying people’s Pinterest-worthy friendships online. I ached with a victim mentality I couldn’t recognize, wondering why I couldn’t just be like other people and blend in.

Why do I have to be different?!

My mission is to evolve and lead others.

Why not me?

The military afforded me the opportunity to go to a world-renowned trauma center—multiple times. I have walked through the lowest of lows in state-run facilities to the most luxurious residential treatment centers, where people pay upwards of upper five figures a month to attend.

I have felt the hopelessness and despair of never being able to change, and I have felt the light of life stirring from within as I began to understand how I was shaped into the person I had become. I drank the Kool-Aid of traditional Western psychology and medicine and shouted from the rooftops that I must be an alcoholic, and AA became my north star.

As I grew, things began to shift, and the cookie-cutter approach no longer sat well with me. I began to question, as I always have, why I must be put in a box and alienated from society. I returned to that world-renowned treatment center, and this time, it felt like sandpaper as I questioned everything.

I am not powerless. My treatment plan should include healing the root first and foremost.

They gave me the instructions the first time, but did not expect me to learn, evolve, and grow.

Another program.

Another construct.

Another box.

Another lie.

There must be another way.

There is another way.

What happened next was astounding: I looked straight in the mirror and began taking responsibility for myself, my actions, and my life.

I began to create a new identity. One that did not include being fused with destructive behaviors.

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If you’re ready to step outside the box, to challenge the labels and constructs that have held you back, and to discover the indestructible core within yourself, I invite you to join me.

Let’s walk this path together—toward self-acceptance, empowerment, and true healing.

You don’t have to wait for rock bottom. You don’t have to fit into anyone else’s mold.

Reach out, connect, and take the first step toward living sabotage-free and fully alive.

Your journey starts now. Are you ready?